Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.