@psybermonkey

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

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@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

@nicky_prada

People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie

@thedadvocate01

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!