My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie
Her: Pull my hair!!
*grabs her mustache*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!