Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.
Be the change you want to find in your couch.
My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I have failed math eleventeen times or so.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.