@pittdave13

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

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@Browtweaten

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

@Kryzazy

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

@TheMichaelRock

No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.

@ValeeGrrl

My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

@Arroia

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.

@Contwixt

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.