Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
You Might Also Like
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
How does one answer this?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…