[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
craving $300 all of a sudden
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again