Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
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Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I’m awake but I object,
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
We’ve come full circle
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork