@TheTobbie

CASHIER: 300.

ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.

CASHIER: …

ME: Ha, like a mime…

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@RatCasket

[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]

@juneohara65

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

@KissabiX

Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive

@C_A_Guardiola

Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.

@RedheadChaos

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

@Home_Halfway

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

@Shenanigans_luv

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works