ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.


ME: Ha, like a mime…

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[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]


Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.


Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive


Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.


If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.


Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.


Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked


If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works