Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
become ungovernable
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭