cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Oh boy, $150,000!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?