@maisondecris

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

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@pittdave13

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

@FeralCrone

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

@FU_TangClan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

@KarenLyneButler

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

@AdamBroud

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

@slaughthie

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

@minkpinkustink

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.