cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?


I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”


Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME


I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.



Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.


I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.


there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.


JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film


I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.