cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
You Might Also Like
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.