@Fickle_Filly

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

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@behindyourback

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

@SeanBlazed

How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people

@AnOrangeSNES

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

@8bitf0x

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

@the_real_keg

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

@_NinJar

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

@AlexRogaski

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work