Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

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1st rule of snitch club is d-
Ok w-
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*


Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-


WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work