Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?