Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
You Might Also Like
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.