Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems