Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.