@sammontgomery

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

@GianDoh

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@jackmackenroth

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

@kcmoore51

Me: I made you a playlist…

Her: OMG! THAT’S SO ROMANTIC!

Me: It only has songs about food.

@StephenAtHome

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

@Eatingmeals

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

@FrankCurtisB

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

@tsm560

Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No

@ohen39

[sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex