Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

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When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.


I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.


We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?


I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.


Me: I made you a playlist…


Me: It only has songs about food.


I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”


One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”


I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.


Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No


[sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex