@sammontgomery

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

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@mommajessiec

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

@PerfectPending

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

@onion_an

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

@markhoppus

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

@Thedudish

My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk

@Aremess2

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

@shashaintl

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

@AnniemuMary

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@TomHanksIsHot

If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”