Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.


Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.


[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup


Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.


My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk


Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.


10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”


I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.


If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.


If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”