Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
me as a parent
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window