Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
this is uni
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
How dude HOW?!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
me, after any kind of buffet.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*