Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My favorite female superhero
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The game has officially changed 😎
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!