Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My life in a nutshell
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Not😆🤣
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently