Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.


Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!


“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that


I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for ‘Im sorry’?


Your secrets safe with me..

I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…


game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]


I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!


Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints

Me: About the twerking?

Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else