i just injected myself with bleach, now we wa
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for ‘Im sorry’?
Your secrets safe with me..
I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!
Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints
Me: About the twerking?
Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.