@msdanifernandez

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

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@daemonic3

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

@Brampersandon_

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

@be_yourownhero

10:00 am: sitting alone at work
10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend
10:06 am: ate my best friend
10:07 am: sitting at work alone

@fishbowel

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@shadygrenade

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

@aguywithnolife

Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F

@ReeseButCallMeV

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.