@msdanifernandez

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

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@TheRolo

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

@DaddyJew

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

@Skoogeth

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

@wizdom

Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

@AnOrangeSNES

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

@lizzzzzielogan

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

@Marcmywords2

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.