FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
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Hey whatcha eating?
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
10:00 am: sitting alone at work
10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend
10:06 am: ate my best friend
10:07 am: sitting at work alone
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
doctor: you need to eat healthy
doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.