Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
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new shirt idea
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I love snow
– People who never shovel
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!