Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012

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How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?


[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.


*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.


No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.


When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.


My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.


Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.


there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”


fed ex guy: here’s ur package

me: thx

fed ex guy: sign

me: [blushing] scorpio