@LaziestCanine

Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012

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@MacAnnabella

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

@SardonicTart

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

@UnFitz

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

@iGreenMonk

Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.

@ArfMeasures

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

@mrtiredeyes

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

@clifba

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.