Namaste
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[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
what?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
May have had one breakfast too many
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.