Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?
Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
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Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
person: how long does it take to get there?
me: 3 songs
Me, in shorts and a t-shirt
7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors