Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,