America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed
*Doing the hokey pokey*
Snake: guys, this is some bullshit
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.