@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

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@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

@JediGigi

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

@Hobo_Splendido

Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed

@VeganZebra

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

@ValeeGrrl

Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

@thedadonline

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

@BreadFoster

Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.