Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
rise and shine we got egg
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*