cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
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{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
no their not
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place