cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.