@ellentee

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

You Might Also Like

@juliabailz

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

@megantwentytwo

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

@BoogTweets

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@ArfMeasures

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

@Chelsea_Elle

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

@Laser_Cat

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

@popespeed

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes