@ellentee

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

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@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

@hollyadkison

Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.

@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

@KattsDogma

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

@ArfMeasures

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

@DaaNoggs

Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes

@AllanForsyth

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

@cambuslad

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.