Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.