shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
karate instructor: hiyah