Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.