Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Who says great literature is dead?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad