Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
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By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
why am I working on Labor Day
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?