Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
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Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Coffee is ready.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo