My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Me: Ok, here you go then
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.
It was cute with Skittles.
Then she switched to dog food.
Them: when imma see you
Me: By accident
My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
sorry i lost my nudes can u send me yours