CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
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Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed