CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
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I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
The news
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it