cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.