Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*