Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room