If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
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Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It’s simple meth.
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Cell division, explained: