I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[notice son’s not home]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.