@prufrockluvsong

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

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@CloydRivers

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@krisv_723

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

@WilliamAder

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

@juliussharpe

If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.

@

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@badbanana

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

@3sunzzz

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

@Lexxivy

If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.