@prufrockluvsong
@1BigMick If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
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@1BigMick 
@CountGripsnatch Me: I should stop drinking
Me: Why?
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Really?
Me: Yeah
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
@imchriskelly “What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
@TylerComeOn Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It’s simple meth.
@daemonic3 [interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
@notalogin [Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
@ericsshadow My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
@JohnHilsen Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
@UncleDuke1969 Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
@Arrogant_Twat Cell division, explained:
o
0
8
oo