[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy


Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.


? Taaaake onnn beeees ?
[Take on bees]
? Taaaake beeeees onnn ?
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ?
Too many
Beeeeees ?


“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”


Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule


Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?


If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it


Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.


Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.


I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST