Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
You Might Also Like
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Somebody’s lying.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family