CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
We don鈥檛 have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don鈥檛 trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 馃檮馃檮馃檮
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
CUCUMBER 911: What鈥檚 your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I鈥檓 trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I don鈥檛 know which meme to get my news from today