CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

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Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.


Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature


Her: How do you get girls?

Me: I’m smart and funny.

Her: That works?

Me: No I’m terribly alone, I was just saying.


[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”


Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit


BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.


Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.


My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?


Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman