@kacisuewho

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

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@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@Bagyants

Her: How do you get girls?

Me: I’m smart and funny.

Her: That works?

Me: No I’m terribly alone, I was just saying.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

@Playing_Dad

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

@SaddleLawman

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

@ImMelanieGibson

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman