*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

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A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.


Looks like ur Vine went viral.
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”


The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.


No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”


Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.


What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”


What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken


If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:


COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.