@collinwithtwoLs

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

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@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

@BlindChow

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@baronvonbike

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

@momjeansplease

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.