*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Spell check is for lasers.
So the ex texted me
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.