Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry