Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Traveler’s camo
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
bias laundering edition