Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

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Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.

But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”


You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.


You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.


Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.


I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.


ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew


Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*


I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.