@TwinSurvivalist

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

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@deedles420

Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.

But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”

@WilliamAder

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

@jollyrobber

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

@Dawn_M_

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

@pauleggleston

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

@simoncholland

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.