Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Good boy 😂😂
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”