friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
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I need ten thousand dollars in unmarked avocados.
Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
me: i don’t get why no one falls in love with me
person: wanna go on a date?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice