Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?


Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.


Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.


me: i don’t get why no one falls in love with me

person: wanna go on a date?

me: no


If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi


“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.


Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice