@NomDeBenoit

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

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@AtmanThakrar

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

@batkaren

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.

@AthenaMystique

Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.

@PajamaBen_

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?

@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.