@MUMSIEesq

CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
ME: Yup
C: This bag of candy is open
M: Yup
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open

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@ConanOBrien

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

@onion_an

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

@envydatropic

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@krisv_723

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

@Maddy_Obrien27

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

@thezsmooth

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

@TheMichaelRock

HR: You can’t urinate outside.

Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away?

HR: Can you take a drug test?

Me: Nope, I’m all out of urine

@Social_Mime

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

@TheGayFlash

The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo