My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
C: This bag of candy is open
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
HR: You can’t urinate outside.
Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away?
HR: Can you take a drug test?
Me: Nope, I’m all out of urine
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo