When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.