[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.