Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.