Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”