CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword