[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Confused owl: What?!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I have never related to anyone more.