Cashier: would u like a bag?
Me: no I’ll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice

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Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids


Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick


Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat


I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.


*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*


“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.


[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*


Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.


Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.