@turtledumplin

Cashier: would u like a bag?
Me: no I’ll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice

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@ginadivittorio

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

@pattymo

Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

@VerbsRProudest

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

@KimmyMonte

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

@Divergentmama

“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

@KalvinMacleod

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

@sixfootcandy

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

@Bob_Janke

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.