cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.