Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
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[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Encore…
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.