@leakypod

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

- @leakypod

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@jessokfine

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

@timdonakowski

My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer

@heatherlou_

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

@junejuly12

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

@patnspankme

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@briancthayer

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

@9GAG

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.