Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*


Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.


Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.


According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later


My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…


They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.


The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!


Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.


I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.