CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Sniffing the broccoli
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair